I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows.
If I fail, if I succeed,
At least I'll live as I believe.
No matter what they take from me,
They can't take away my dignity.
Music lyrics excerpt from Whitney Houston's 'Greatest Love of All'
**********************
I was hesitant to share this story because family members are involved. However, I choose to acknowledge that this happened for a reason and I wouldn't be where I am today if it was any different.
**********************
To be very honest, I've always led a good life from young. Perhaps it was because I was the youngest child and only daughter. Spoilt (back then) - perhaps. I grew up never needing to worry about anything. I lived in a very protective world where nothing can come close to hurt me or lead me astray.
When I gave birth to my first child, the plan was that my mum would be around to help me during my confinement for at least a month. I thought I could just take things slow if she was with me but I was wrong. Even though she was with me about 3-4 hours a day for the first week, it had already affected the relationship with a loved one as I was being reproached for being self-centered and not considerate of others' feelings. Not wanting to sour relationships, I convinced my mum that I could handle everything myself even though I had not fully recovered from my c-section operation. I allowed maternal instincts to takeover and managed on my own throughout my maternity leave. In other words, I felt alone.
A few other related issues on my parents "spending too much time with me" ensued after this episode. I couldn't fathom how a lunch break on most days would affect anyone since we all need to eat. Or why there are reasons to be upset about if parent and child wants to meet or spend time cuddling their grandchild. I was pretty depressed. All these emotional tension accumulated till I gave birth to my second child two years later. The caring for myself and baby during first week confinement was better carried out this time with help from the husband and something known as "tingkat delivery".
Days were C-R-A-Z-Y at home. If not for my babies seeking attention, I pretty much didn't look forward to waking up in the mornings. With the husband travelling 90% of the time and the feeling of helplessness drove me to tears. My heart broke into a million pieces - many times. I found solace and drew strength to carry out my duties as a mom from my children.
On hindsight, I am also thankful that I have a couple of friends who listened me out whenever I was on the verge of breaking down. Motherhood was already so challenging at its early stages and what I felt with the lack of affection from my extended family, made me feel rather incompetent and isolated.
A few years after when the kids went to kindy, I re-discovered myself all over again. I realized that in life, there will always be people with different perspectives about you. But I am not living my life for people to put me in misery or to be mocked at. I live for myself and my family. After these waves of trials, I feel I've emerged a stronger person. There are many things I've never thought possible to accomplish but I have shown that I can helm the fort at home and become a pillar of tower for my family.
There is a silver lining after all.
Today, 11 years down the road to being a stay-at-home-mom, I think I've outdone myself. Starting out my jewelry crafting business 7 years ago was the best decision I ever made. To be
recognized in several context also puts the positive beat back into my heart in the hopes of being an inspiration to others. I never used to cook but my skills have improved tremendously. Really, if I can do it, anyone else can too. All you need to do is put your heart into it and you are there.
To many, my tribulations may seem trivial. To me, it was a turning point in my life. I had a choice - to dwell in self pittance and fall into depression or deal with the facts of life and move on.
Our lives - you and me - are governed by our own heart and not what others say about us. The past is past. I choose to forgive (though it's hard to forget) and move forward.
I am woman. Now hear me roar!
Till the next post, have a blessed week!
Linking up with :